Talk Like A Pirate Day

The Top 20 Pirate Jokes

In celebration of Talk Like A Pirate Day on the 19th September, we have compiled a list of our favourite Pirate Jokes that for you to share with your friends on this booty-ful day!  Scroll down the page to get to the good stuff!


  • Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrrrr!
  • What did the first mate see down the toilet?  The Captains log!
  • What is a pirates favourite doll?  BAAAAARRRRBIE!
  • Why don’t pirates go to strip clubs?  Because they already have all the booty!
  • Why did the pirate buy an eye patch?  Because he couldn’t afford an iPad!
  • What’s a pirates favourite fish dish?  Pieces of skate!
  • 3.14% of sailors are Pi Rates.
  • What do pirates wear in the winter?  Long Johns!
  • What’s a pirates favourite part of a song?  The hook!
  • Who gets all their movies for free?  Pirates!
  • Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground?  Because booty is only shin deep!
  • What do you call a pirate who steals from the rich and gives to the poor?  Robin Hook!
  • What do you call a stupid pirate?  The pillage idiot!
  • Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?  Because the captain was standing on the deck!
  • How do pirates like to cook their steaks?  On a BAAAARRRRRBECUE!
  • What happens if you take the p out of a pirate?  He becomes irate!
  • What do you call a pirate with three eyes?  Piiirate!
  • Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?  Because they can spend years at C!
  • How did the pirate find out he needed glasses?  He took an aye exam!
  • What’s a pirates favourite type of music?  Rum & Bass!
  • How do pirates know they exist?  They think, therefore they ARRRRRRR!!!
  • A pirate walks into a bar with a big ships wheel down his pants. The bartender says, “Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship’s wheel down the front of your pants? The pirate replies, “Aaargh, it’s driving me nuts!!”

And finally…

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”

Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”

The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

What are your favourite Pirate Jokes?  Let us know in the comments below!  If you liked this article, please feel free to share with your friends and family!